Friday, March 04, 2011

So You Are 30

Congratulations! Despite what everyone in grad school said behind your back, you finally made it. Well, I have some good news and I have some great news.

The good news is that you are finally, undoubtedly a grown up. Someone resembling Sean Connery is going to approach you any second now to explain how tax codes work, tell you the best ways to cook meat, and give you a money clip and a drink mixer set. He will either approach you from behind and hug you by surprise, cupping one of your breasts with one hand and your nutsack with the other, or he will approach from the front and simply say hello. Either way -- make sustained eye contact with everyone you see for the rest of the day.

The GREAT news is that you make the rules now. You can give unsolicited advice on subjects like tie-tying and road trip directions , you can set bedtimes, and you can vote -- not in the regular, general elections, but in secret ones that decide important stuff, like if there should be a revolution in Egypt, or what network shows get cancelled, or if Justin Bieber gets a Grammy (better luck next year, Biebs!).

I can tell you from personal experience that your life has just automatically gotten better. You will never have any more troubles, you will always know the answers to everything, and you will get along with your wife forever. Here, look at me, back when I was 29:

Pretty gross!

But look at me now, on the verge of 32:

Drinking a tumbler of whiskey and wearing xmas sweaters in March. I make the rules!

Happy birthday, brother. May we forever duet Islands in the Stream.


anemett said...

You are a trailblazer, and I'm honored to be mentioned in the same blog post. Winning!

Anonymous said...

At 40 you get to add finger wagging, chin stroking, knowing nods and *tsk*ing. The thirties still make the rules, though, and that kinda sucks. I miss that part.

Matthew Jent said...

One of my favorite Futurama jokes is from "Time Keeps on Slippin'," where they show a kid on the street saying "Stupid senior citizens -- why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits?"

And then he's zapped by a time-slip and becomes his future-self, an old man yelling "I deserve free money!"

Calamity West said...

Errrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! YES!