There's A Lot About My Face You Don't Know

Ahoy!

We here at the Fun are taking a short break from posting pictures of Tom Vilsack to tell you about the 24 Hour Non-Stop Poetry, Fiction and Performance Kablammy I'm taking part in Friday March 2nd through Saturday March 3rd. It starts at 6pm Friday and runs through 6pm Saturday, and it features readers like Kate Braverman, the fine folks from Kitchen Sink Magazine, and plenty of my pals and fellow CCA-writers like Aneesa n' Polly n' Adam n' All the Rest.

I'm reading around 2am. There is word of open mic opportunities, as well.

Check it the funk out at:

The Playspace Gallery
California College of the Arts
1111 8th St.
San Francisco, CA 94107

Chris Dodd - FOR the Constitution!

Chris Dodd, Democratic Senator from Connecticut and Presidential Candidate, has introduced legislation - the Restore Habeas Corpus Act - to effectively repeal the Military Commissions Act and, er, restore habeas corpus as a Constitutional right.

The website above is paid for by "Chris Dodd for President, Inc." and does a better job of setting Chris Dodd apart from his Democratic opponents than anything else I've seen from the guy. As the NY Times reports, Obama is putting himself out there as the anti-war candidate, and Hilary is the, um, Hilary Clinton candidate ... what's great about it is that it's not something anyone else can really *argue* against, you know? And hopefully by introducing legislation (election year legislation or not), it'll keep folks from forgetting the lousy Military Commissions Act the Bush Administration put into effect in the first place. With a Democratic Congress for the next two years (at least), there's a lot of work ahead to undo the unconstitutional and illegal things Bush has had free reign to push through.

Vote Interweb, 2008

2008 candidates and their presence on the interweb.

Interesting facts - Joe Biden and John Edwards and Chris Dodd are all over everything, even Facebook and YouTube ... while most of the Republican candidates simply have their own websites up, and nothing more. And some of them - I'm looking at you, Tom Tancredo - barely have even that.

Republican Candidates, 2008!

Definitely Running, Yes:

Sam Brownback, Senator from Kansas. Supports Congressional term limits; calls the number of abortions since Roe v. Wade "a holocaust"; supports a Constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage AND civil unions; supports "teaching the controversy" surrounding intelligent design in public school science classes. Notable quote: "No raise money, no get bonus."

I don't eat Domino's Pizza because the founder, Tom Monaghan, is a creepy pro-lifer who builds religious towns - so I'm sure not going to vote for the guy he wants to see elected President.

John Cox, businessman and radio host. Website touts him as the candidate "you've probably never heard of"; unsuccessfully ran for state office in Illinois in 2000 and 2002, not making it past the Republican primaries, and also lost in 2004 in the race for Cook County Recorder of Deeds; is basically just a rich dude from Illinois who visits Iowa a lot. Notable quote: "We must wing the war in Iraq and elsewhere so we are fighting terror over there, not over here." I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it's on his official website.

He's like a cliche of a conservative Republican ... I guess he's running so people will look at him for five minutes.

Jim Gilmore, former Governor of Virginia. He's a tough crime-buster! He hates terrorism! He likes guns! Um, he's another Republican candidate. Notable quote: "Jim Gilmore is a leader."

Jim Gilmore is totally vague about everything. Jim Gilmore put his hand on the Bible when he swore the Oath of Office.

Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York City. He'll be tough like your dad on terror; doesn't absolutely hate people; one of like two pro-choice Republicans I know; vindictive and jealous; hates ferrets and free speech; is a knight. Notable quote: "Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt."

I don't really understand the people who think Giuliani won't win the Republican nomination because of his stance on social issues - despite the fact that George W. Bush SOUNDS like an idiot, have we all forgotten that the Republicans are really, really smart? America is pretty tired of Bush's particular brand of right-wing conservatism and Iraq-fighting - making Giuliani the perfect candidate for the Republicans. He's not creepily religious, but he's still got the tough-dad thing going on. Plenty of New Yorkers thought he was the devil incarnate by September 10, 2001, but the rest of the country still sees him as "America's Mayor." He hates homeless people, supports police brutality, and sees it as his job to shut down art and artists he doesn't agree with. He'll rope-a-dope Hillary if he squares off with her in a general election, and he'd out-Bush Bush on civil liberties as President. Hell, he'll out-Ashcroft Ashcroft. Not because of the Bible - but because Giuliani Thinks He's Right. Beware - beware! - Rudy Giuliani!

Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas. Lost 110 lbs. (!) after being diagnosed with diabetes; believes in creationism; named one of Time's five best governors in 2005. Notable quote: "I liked gravy poured on top of a big glob of mashed potatoes, I liked biscuits a lot."

Mike Huckabee, the rational choice! If Giuliani or Zombie McCain do anything particular crazy between now and the primaries (which is really, really likely), Huckabee might be the guy who steps in to say, "Well, at least I'm not crazy." He's a Republican candidate in the mold of easily defeated Democratic candidates.

Duncan Hunter, Representative from California (San Diego). Led the building of a 14-mile fence separating San Diego Country and Tijuana, Mexico, and subsequently supported a reinforced force along the entire US/Mexican border; supports sending more troops to Iraq. Notable quote: "This century is going to be a very dangerous century."

The latest in a long line of Republicans legislating hate and fear!

John McCain, Senator from Arizona. Creepier than ever, in a zombie kind of way; totally, totally, totally old; less "maverick" and more "I'll say anything you want if you will vote for me." Notable quote: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." This is really a thing that he said.

McCain is old. He is old, and he is desperate to be your friend. He's the political equivalent of your grandpa, desperate for you stay at the nursing home just a little longer. He was kind of neat, as far as Republicans go, eight years ago - now he's just evil, and sad. And not in that order.

Ron Paul, Representative from Texas. Website is, actually, "ronpaulexplore.com" - very utilitarian, very "I've never heard of the internet; a non-interventionist, opposed to the Iraq War; a lifetime member of the Libertarian Party. Notable quote: "It's still fashionable to dislike McDonald's."

The dude's a Libertarian. He's pro-life, but doesn't support federal laws banning abortion - he supports legalization of medical marijuana - he's a small government guy in a big government party.

Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts. Looks like an actor playing the President on TV; believes in magic underwear; in favor of stem-cell research; believes life begins during humping. Notable quote: "The buck stops all the way up the chain."

I dunno ... he's a careful guy. He's very aware of his public image the potential hurdles of running for President as a Mormon. He's another one who has the opportunity to step into the breach if the front-runners do anything wacky. Then again, something like a particularly clever debate performance could put him over someone like Giuliani, who would be more likely to say something sloppy and off the cuff than Romney would. Romney strikes me like Hillary in that way - he's more careful than he is passionate.

Tom Tancredo, Representative from Colorado. Against abortion under any circumstances; delivered a banner and cards from Columbine students to children in Beslan, Russia after the Beslan school hostage crisis; supports current immigration laws and opposes Bush's proposed reforms; Karl Rove once yelled at him and called him a "traitor to the party." Notable quote: "I certainly understand and appreciate your need and desire to try and create the illusion of Miami as a multiethnic 'All American' city."

"Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" declared him as the "Hopeless Republican Candidate," as the counterpart to Kucinich as the "Hopeless Democratic Candidate." And after filling out this entry, all I can tell you is ... that says a lot.

Tommy Thompson, former Governor of Wisconsin. Supports the creation of three distinct Iraqi states; Elizabeth Dole likes him; um, that's roughly it. Notable quote: "For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do."

Ummm. I guess he has money to burn? Or maybe he's angling for a VP or cabinet nomination.

Definitely Maybe Running:

Newt Gingrich, former Representative from Georgia. Not-so-quietly waiting to make a late splash, and/or run as a third-party candidate; totally made a Contract with America; resigned from Congress on account of being a dick. Notable quote: "The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argument." Alternate quote: "Mr. President, we are going to run you out of town."

In my fondest dreams, Newt will be the great spoiler of 2008 - siphoning off conservative votes from the Republican candidate as he runs as a third-party candidate. In the real world, I think he'll announce in the summer as a Republican candidate, or early next year as a third-party candidate, and no one will really notice.

Update to the Update

I found a better Vil-sad picture:



"I guess I'll go eat worms."

Democratic Pillow Fight - update!

"It is money and only money that is the reason we are leaving today," said Tom Vilsack, wrapping up his campaign for President.

"I came up against something for the first time in my life that hard work and effort couldn't overcome. I just couldn't work any harder, couldn't give it enough."

Vilsack was the first Democrat to declare, in November 2006. Obama, meanwhile, spent the weekend diving in a pile of gold coins, a la Scrooge McDuck, while Hilary Clinton tried to scheme a way to get her hands on the treasure.




Tom Vilsack, 2006-2007

My Favorite TV Show is Back on the Air

Democratic Candidates, For Sure:

Joe Biden, Senator from Delaware. Co-sponsored the Biden-Roth-Cohen Flag Protection Act, which sought to make mutilation, defecation, or burning of the United States flag punishable by up to one year in prison, and/or a $1000 fine. Notable quote (besides that stuff about Obama everyone has already heard) : "In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian Americans - moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking." This was on CSPAN.

He strikes me as a classic Democratic party presidential candidate ... and I mean that in a bad way, you know?

Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senator from New York. Calls her video broadcasts "HillCasts;" had a recent freak out over David Geffen talkin' smack about her and Bill. Notable quote: "Young people today think work is a four-letter-word."

Hillary's probably my #2 these days ... my biggest fear is that in a contest against Giuliani, she'd lose her cool and America would vote for it's #1 Tuff Enuff Dad instead.

Chris Dodd, Senator from Connecticut. Hired John Kerry's former presidential campaign manager; met with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez in 2005 "to mend the strained relations between the two countries;" the fine collective of Wikipedia says he is "left of center with respect to Latin America." Notable quote: "I don't care what the public wants, I'm going to give it what it needs!"

I get the feeling that Chris Dodd would make an excellent cabinet member.

John Edwards, Director of the Center on Poverty, Work and Opportunity at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Law; former Senator from North Carolina. Has been effectively campaigning for President ever since John Kerry conceded in 2004; will smile and say whatever he reckons you wanna hear. Notable quote: "If we can do the work that we can do in this country ... people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk again. Get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." As cool as that may sound at first - Christopher Reeve was still alive when he said it. So, no, Edwards is not the Zombie Choice in '08.

John Edward is like the creepiest candidate on any ticket right now - he's been running for President even before he ran for Senate, and everything he's ever done has been to angle himself for that office. If I thought he wanted to be President to help people - and not simply because he wanted to be President - that might be impressive. As it is, he's like the American Tony Blair - all smiles, oozing honey and dandelions from his lips.

Mike Gravel, Professional lecturer; former Senator from Alaska. Helped make the Pentagon Papers public, secret government documents relating to the Vietnam War; single-handedly filibustered 1971 legislation that sought to renew the draft. Notable quote: "Our three branches of government have become like an unstable chair, a three-legged chair." I tried to find something silly, but this is the best I could do.

It's pretty clear he's running an issue-campaign - there are things he wants us to talk about, and he wants to enter them into the national conversation by running for President. He's an advocate of direct democracy - that idea that, you know, all citizens should participate in laws and legislation. I didn't know much about Mike Gravel before this campaign cycle, so mission accomplished in some regard ... he's a sqhttp://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifuare-one dude, an alright guy. I hope he gets the chance to speak before the other candidates drown him out.

Dennis Kucinich, Representative from Ohio. Ralph Nader likes him; wants total military withdrawal from Iraq, immediately; is totally vegan; has pictures of his totally hot wife on his website. Notable quote: "I'm not selling insurance."

He's a nice guy. A really nice guy.

Barack Obama, Senator from Illinois. Get out of Iraq, we want Barack; a pragmatic moderate who, I honestly believe this, has the Right Idea; is a black dude. Notable quote: "I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse."

Newt Gingrich (!) said this about Obama: "Lincoln served two years in the US House, and he seemed to do all right." I think "inexperience" is a non-issue - getting practice in as a federal legislator doesn't necessarily make one a good leader, you know? It tends to make one a good bullshitter. I think Obama's honest and smart and patriotic, and daaaamn, I think that's a pretty good resume.

There are honest to goodness a whole lot of left-leaning voters who don't support Obama right now, not because he's black - but because they think *other* voters won't support him because he's black. Which is ... I dunno, passive-aggressively racist? Obama is the DEAN of 2008 - and I mean that in a good way, y'all.

Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico. Still exploring - hasn't officially declared; hasn't done a whole lot of covert campaigning, besides just being Bill Richardson. Notable quote: "Some days I'm solar powered. Some days I'm wind powered. And some people in this room might think I'm hybrid gas-powered."

I dunno what to make about Richardson - most of what I know about him is that both Gore and Kerry thought about him as a vice-presidential candidate. If he would, you know ... declare, or state a position or two ... I'd get a better idea about him.

Tom Vilsack, former Governor of Iowa. Wants a measured withdrawal from Iraq, leaving US troops in the north for awhile; wants to limit US carbon output; *really* wants you to realize he's running for President. Notable quote: "I'm not a rock star, but I'm rock solid."

Ehh. It's like someone's uncle running for office - yeah, they seem nice, but what makes him stand out?

Democratic Candidates, For Maybe:

Wesley Clark, retired four-star general. His own self figures he'll be the national security candidate; people love him for reasons still unclear. Notable quote: "I didn't go to Yale."

He's tough! But he's a Democrat! Wes Clark is like Thai food to me ... a lot of clever people in my life like him, but I can't quite get into it. I bet he'd make a killa-dilla VP candidate.

Al Gore, former Vice-President, current total smart dude. He's not running, folks. I believe this in my bones. Notable quote: "I don't see any circumstances under which I would run for president."

I love Al Gore. I voted for Al Gore. I would vote for Al Gore again. But, here's the thing - Al Gore doesn't want me to. You can just tell, you know? He grew a beard, he got mad for awhile, he got over it. The best we can do is follow his lead.

Next time: Republicans!

The Devil in Shaun's Woods

Here's a thing that happened to me once:

"Every weekend until the winter came we went to Shaun's house on Saturday nights. We stayed all night and crept down to the woods after dark. The Man would be there in the trees, or sometimes he'd already be in the yard crawling behind us. He was always lower than us to the ground, quieter and better hid. Close to Halloween he wore a white skull mask instead of the red devil, and that was the night Milford had had enough and took his gun outside, a pistol. He told the rest of us to stay inside and we crowded around a small living room window, watching outside as Milford appeared in the dark, holding his gun out in front of him, walking slow and looking from side to side. Ten feet behind him crept the Man in the Woods, wearing his white skull mask, exaggerating his steps, knees up high, arms held out before him like Dracula. We yelled from the window for Milford to turn around. Milford didn't respond or react, but the Man in the Woods stopped his creep, turned his head to face us at the window, and held a finger to his lips, shhhh."

If you're in Chicago, track down a copy of No Touching #3 to read the rest - for the rest of the globe, visit their website and download the whole issue for free. The other stories are good too, but I can't promise they're this ACTION PACKED.

Randi vs. the TV Psychics

I love the Amazing Randi. He's made it his life's work to look at people who claim they can talk to ghosts, or sense spirits, or communicate with Venusians, and say, "dude, whatev."

I'm no cynic - I'd love for all of that junk to be real. It would be rad to live in a universe where spooky messages can be passed from beyond the grave - or just to know what happens when you die. I'd love it if Bigfoot was real, if those sasquatch howls were the real thing. If sparkly things in the sky were aliens, if the weird lights I once saw in the desert were from another planet. If dinosaurs still lived in lakes, and if people could bend spoons just by wanting to.

But it's all just kind of goofy. Bridges aren't haunted, toilet paper rolls don't unspool because there's a poltergeist in your apartment. It's nice to think so, though. Or to pretend for a night that it happens like that.

For the last ten years James Randi has offered a one-million dollar prize to anyone who can prove they possess paranormal powers. No one's ever won. From the recent article in Wired:

'A Nevada man legally named "The Prophet Yahweh" planned to seize the prize for charity by summoning two spaceships to a Las Vegas park last year, but negotiations broke down when he announced he was bringing several armed guards to the demonstration in case any "negative personalities" showed up. An inventor who claimed to have built a device that could sense the psychic distress of an egg about to be dropped into a pot of boiling water recently abandoned his application when the foundation suggested the egg be threatened by a hammer instead, in case the invention was really just detecting steam.

'"One a week gets as far as a protocol negotiation, and then drops off," says Jeff Wagg, who administers the challenge.'

But now Randi's changing the rules - before anyone can come to the Randi Foundation, they have to prove their powers somewhere else first. That frees them from dealing with anyone who walks through their door, folks looking for fame or who are just delusional. So instead, they'll be going after people, targeting the jerks and TV psychics who take advantage of people who really, really want to believe that they have another chance to talk to their friends and family who have passed on. You know Sylvia Browne, yeah?



Lookit her there, all thoughtful. She goes on Montel Williams all the time, writes books, tours the country and gladly accepts your cash in exchange for relaying messages from loved ones who have died. Once upon a time she accepted Randi's challenge, to undergo the tests of the Foundation and prove to Randi and the world that she really had paranormal powers and wasn't just a sideshow charlatan. Then she backed down, posting an open letter on her website saying that she wasn't interested in Randi's money, or his validation. Which is too bad - again, from Wired:

"That's a disappointment, because if Browne's claims were ever to stand up to a scientific test in an adversarial process, it would be an unprecedented event in modern history, potentially changing our scientific understanding of the universe. Instead, you can buy a psychic phone call with her for $700."

So. I love James Randi.



If laser beam eyes were real, dude would have them.










(oh, yeah - Wired link found via BoingBoing.)

I want you to want me.

From John Rogers, who wants to propagate a meme without asking anyone to participate.

Here are 5 Things You Don't Know About Me. One of them is untrue.

1) I learned how to ride a bike when I was 24.

2) Once, I spent Christmas Day (and the following New Year's Day) working as a radio DJ. I played a Nirvana song from their Unplugged album and a dude called the station to tell me that I made his whole holiday season.

3) I hate dogs so much.

4) I spent a solid week, Monday to Friday, in the 2nd Grade telling everyone at school that I wasn't Matt, I was Max, Matt's identical cousin. For everyone else the joke was over by Tuesday, but I'd promised myself I wouldn't let it up. By Friday everyone was really pissed off at me (as mad as you get when you're 7), and I ate lunch being ignored. I tried to win back their favor on Monday by agreeing with everyone that Max, indeed, was a jerk.

5) I have been treated to barbecued chicken by a professional card player.

Medusa is burned in my brain.

Ray Harryhausen's creatures, in chronological order, in about four minutes.



Found via the Beat, which used to have an address I could just remember.

Shazam!

I believe in making statements before I am sure they are true. Thusly: I do not like anything ironically.

That is to say: I like country music because it's twangy and unpolished. I like Rocky because it's about boxing, because it's a weird love story, and because the Rocky movies lodged themselves in my brain, when I was a kid, in some place in the back that I cannot touch or manipulate, as the Way Movies Are. I like Christmas trees because they smell good, and I like having the room lit only by those lights when I'm working. I like cowboy boots because they clop when I walk and they make me taller. I like my mustache because I think it makes my face look good. I like Survivor because it's fun to watch real people (well, a certain kind of real people) scheme. I like the Amazing Race because Phil makes good faces. I like Deadwood and the Venture Brothers because they're perfect specimens of TV.

What else? I like Ford Focus cars because I don't know why. I like the way they feel when I drive them. I like games because they're fun, and I feel clever when I win them and a different kind of clever when I don't. I like alcohol that tastes like candy, because I like candy - hence, Mike's Hard Lemonade. I don't like sushi because it's cold and creepy and weird. I like biking because it's fun to go fast. I like Saturday Night Live because it's fun to find the patterns, and at least a few times an episode, it's funny. I like yoga because it feels like easy exercise. I like zombie movies because there are zombies in them, but I don't like much anything else with zombies, because zombies are made for the movies. Lately I like Scrubs because it's about people who are mean to each other, but like each other anyway - they know they're in a sitcom, but it works anyway. I like space because it's big and unknown, but I like Earth because it's where I live and it's all we've got. I like Captain Marvel better than Superman, because I could be Captain Marvel if I knew the magic word.

Not So Long Ago . . .

This is my friend Patrick Van Slee.



The internet is Awesome.

True Facts I Learned in Ohio This Xmas

1. As a youth, my dad was a library aid. Also, he wanted to be a history teacher.

2. Pa used to be a trucker part-time. He’d make short runs during the day, getting back by late afternoon or by nightfall. Then he’d do the farming, sometimes until dawn.

3. Ma met Pa through Uncle Nick, who told Pa he “knew a good woman.” Ma worked in a doctor’s office at the time, and took a shift over at the nursing home to help out a friend. She hated it and said she’d never go back. She’s worked there for thirty years.

4. Pa’s first wife ran out on him for a man who ran a farm equipment business. Pa’s mother moved back to the farm to help him keep house and raise Sheryl and Leslie-Marie. Pa had a heart and the word Mother tattooed on his arm, and once I was born and his mom was dead, Mother was what he called Ma.

5. One of the stipulations Ma had for moving in with Pa really was indoor plumbing – Pa had no bathroom or running water indoors. Ma had the day off from work and they’d planned to go shopping for bathroom fixtures, but when she pulled into the driveway she saw a giant, new, bright blue hay baler. She figured she’d have to wait a long time for that bathroom, and she did. She still moved in, though.

6. My brother met his wife when he was a sophomore in high school. His daughter is almost 17 now.

7. There once was a murder. My mom has many distant cousins, and this is a story she heard from a close one: their cousin Phil was a farmer and he moonlighted working construction. He had two guys who worked for him regular, and Phil paid them out of pocket. They came around one night as Phil was getting home and caught him getting out of his truck. They wanted more money for a recent job, but Phil said he didn’t have any to give them. They insisted, and Phil said he still didn’t have it. One of them cut his throat with a knife, then stabbed him until he was dead.
The two men went into the house where Phil’s wife was making supper. She hadn’t heard the commotion outside, so when they walked in she told them that Phil wasn’t home yet but they could stay and wait for him and eat. They said okay and ate supper with Phil’s wife. After supper they stabbed her too, but she got away and ran into the bathroom. She locked the locked the door and they couldn’t get in, so she sat on the floor and bled to death by morning.

The men went into the bedroom of their teenage son, tied his hands behind his back, and strangled and stabbed him until he was dead. They went into the bedroom of their five-year-old adopted daughter, but they left her there sleeping. She’d slept through the whole thing.

In the morning the boy’s friend arrived to take him to school. He honked his horn, but the girl came out. She said the boy was sick, that she couldn’t wake him up and there was blood on the bed. He went inside and found the boy and called the police. When the police came they found Phil in his car and Phil’s wife in the bathroom, and later they arrested the men.

My mom’s cousin heard this story after getting a job at a bank and getting to know one of her co-workers – the little grown, grown to an adult. My mom’s cousin went home and told the story to her husband, and her husband said, “Melva, we’re related to them.”

When my mom’s mom died, my mom inherited the scrapbook of her mom’s mom. Included were two newspaper clippings, reporting the murder and the murderers’ arrests, and also a clipping about the wedding of Wayne Newton. We are not related to him.

8. Pickles, stored properly, will never go bad.

Thwip!

I always thought so.

You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 75% The Flash 65% Robin 55% Green Lantern 50% Hulk 50% Superman 45% Catwoman 40% Wonder Woman 38% Iron Man 35% Supergirl 28% Batman 10%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Smelvin Belvin

Belvin's face was waiting for old age. He was in our grade, so he was the same age as us, I guess. He wore the same t-shirts as us and rode the bus and took tests and everything. But it was his face - it didn't look right. It looked like it was waiting for wrinkles. He walked with a stoop, his eyes were sunken in, and he talked with a quiver.

Belvin wasn't in any clubs, didn't play any sports. He got out of class in the afternoons to help the janitor. The janitor had jowels and big droopy lips and when he talked it was hard to understand. Local legend said he was missing a toe from the mythical snapping turtle that lived in the pond between our grade school and the high school. In the afternoons, after lunch, you could see him walking past the doors of the classrooms with Belvin behind him, pushing a pushbroom or carrying big bags of trash. Belvin would come back to class shortly before the afternoon bell, smelling of garbage or cleansers. This gave him the name Smelvin Belvin. He told us to shut up, and argued that he didn't smell, but that's a hard thing to contest. It was truth, not just a rumor.

Rumor was Skylar, the girl famous at our school for losing a frozen hot dog inside of her while masturbating. Rumor was Doug, suspended mysteriously and said to have been caught having sex with an outdoor water faucet. Truth was this: Smelvin Belvin stank like trash.

Weaver Rd.

(This comes from a writing exercise my pal Laura and her pal Suzanne made up, basted on the short story "Nettles" by Alice Munro)

In the summer of 1984 I remember my brother driving a tractor, a loader, a combine. The tractor was white with mighty orange tires taller than a man. It looked exactly like a die-cast toy tractor my brother had in his bedroom. The loader was rusty yellow, driven by shifting black knobs, and it had treads like a tank. The combine was a monster, giant and red with a black MF logo on the side, for Massey-Ferguson, and vicious, whirling blades in the front. The small cab was up top, fifteen feet above the ground, with a radio inside but no air conditioning. Just an old fan, round and rusty.

Years later my grandfather, who owned and worked the farm, had a stroke. He leased the fields to another farmer to plant and plow and my job, as a teenager, was to sit with him at night and watch TV until he fell asleep. He was scared to be alone after his stroke, he couldn't walk very well and he couldn't swallow his saliva. He sat with a crescent moon-shaped plastic cup on his chest to collect the spit that dribbled from his chin. The barn was empty of his equipment, the tractor, the loader and the combine.

In Ohio where I lived as a kid I wanted to learn how to drive those machines. They were terrifying, loud, rusty and dirty, but they were what men worked with. At thirteen, fourteen or fifteen, you learned to drive them and worked the farm, wore your blue jeans tight with a fat, square wallet in your back pocket, wore a mesh cap with tractor logos and pins on it, washed your hands before supper with frothy, industrial soap because they were black from oil and grime in the shop. There was always something to fix or build. The pick-up, the dump truck, the loader or both tractors, the bushhog, the Massey, the air pump. Some animal had died in the silo and someone small and skinny had to crawl in and get it. Pa had a semi truck trailer in his backyard filled with spare parts of cars, machines and motorbikes. It was black in the trailer, and hot. He had been a truck driver once, he had driven a motorcycle. There is a picture of him on his bike in a leather jacket, black hair slicked back, a golden hoop in his ear before that was done by anyone you'd feel comfortable sitting across the table from. This was before he'd met my grandma, when he had a different family. He was not my grandpa by blood. He had tattoos on his forearms of a naked woman and a hula girl in a skirt, and on his bicep a heart that said Mother. In the morning, when he woke up, he never a shirt before breakfast.

And it's right behind the nose.

Once upon a time I had a friend who told me, in a car, that PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE was the perfect example of a movie she wanted to make. It made me laugh, but I liked it, because it's one of my favorite movies, and she was one of my strangest and fondest friends.

I saw THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP tonight and I thought, for one thing, there were at least two of my friends, or their archetypes, in the movie - one was the lady who wanted to make PUNCH-DRUNK - and for another, this, THIS was the perfect example of a movie I wanted to make.



It's sweet, but with a realistic rhythm. Also there are cardboard cars.

Barf Poop!

Riding my bike here today I had an imaginary conversation, because I often do when I’m on my bike, because I’m afraid to wear headphones and I don’t even have any anymore anyway. I said, “No, my girlfriend couldn’t make it today. She’s taking our* cat to the vet.”

“Oh? How come?”

“Liver disease.”

Fappo!

And then, to alleviate the bummerhood of liver disease, I say this:

“She’s been staying in the bathroom since she started feeling sick. It’s gotten pretty gross in there. She peed in there today, in the corner, like under or next to the water dish. That’s my fault, because she’s still well enough to use the box, but when I leave wet food on the floor I shut the door so the other cats can’t get to it, but then she can’t get to the box. So, aside from cat puke and messy cat food there’s also cat pee. It’s so disgusting we** renamed it Grosstown, California. We put up a sign***. It has its own zip code, even.”

“What is it?”

“The zip code?”

“Yeah.”

First attempt:

“0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – Poop.”

Second attempt:

“9 – 4 – 6 – 0 – Poop.”

Third attempt:

“9 – 4 – 6 – Barf – Poop.”

And then I wrote this song:

9 – 4 – 6 – Barf – Poop
You know what to do
9 – 4 – 6 – Barf – Poop
It’s the zip code of my bathroom!
9 – 4 – 6 – Barf – Poop
There’s cat pee there too
9 – 4 – 6 – Barf – Poop
Bein’ there gets me blue
(Breakdown)
Ohhhh, I don’t wanna take a shower there
Cause I get cat crumbs on my feet in there
There’s also a lot of cat hair in there
I useta-useta like to read in there
(Bring the beat back!)
9 – 4 – 6 – Barf – Poop
You know what to do. . . .


*My cat? Lola is six and mostly mean to everyone else, but she and Amy have gotten along great since the move.

**I did this alone.

***Not true.

Hey! The State is back!

I spent many, many half-hours in high school watching the State on MTV. They put up a new skit to promote their first season being available on iTunes.

Go watch it!