Auto-mytho-biography

-Age 3: Like early man, I have trouble telling the difference between waking life and dreams. My Aunt Sheryl, my dad’s step-sister, only a few years older than my big brother Dave, passes away but her spirit is kept safe, entombed in a bulbous device of yellow plastic, with a red knob and many pipes. It comes to my attention, at a time unspecified, that the bulbous yellow device is a water pump, cobwebbed in the corner of our basement, and Sheryl has simply moved out of Ma and Pa’s house, and in with her boyfriend Lance. Years later: Lance becomes my Uncle. A few years more: Sheryl and Lance no longer speak to our side of the family, and she might as well be a spirit in a water pump after all.

-Age 6: In a panic, I ask my mom what happens to me when I die. Mom is cleaning out the hall closet and would rather be left to it. “Jents don’t die,” she tells me. With a great relief -- the greatest relief -- removed from my shoulders, I return to playing He-Man. Today’s adventure: Mek-A-Nek’s funeral. Prince Adam’s eulogy: “Farewell, friend Mek-A-Nek … if only you had been born a Jent.”

-Age 9: I practice my stand-up routine before our large bathroom vanity. I give myself the willies by turning the lights off, closing my eyes and saying, “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody -- Mongoose, Manny, Maxwell!” I run from the room.

-Ages 13-17: Every Saturday I spend the night at Shaun’s house, along with Bobby, Adrian and Jarrod. Our adventures begin with the discovery of an empty bread bag and some matted down grass under a fallen tree. That night, we explore further and meet the Devil living in Shaun’s house. The Devil chases us up the hill to Shaun’s house, where we cower sleeplessly as he bangs on doors, removes screens from windows, and dances cloven-hooves on the roof. In the morning we find clawed potatoes in the yard and ashes where his knuckles stuck the doors. Every Saturday night thereafter he chases us from spring until fall, but our physical forms evade him. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually we do our best to stay out of his grasp, and succeed to varying degrees. Some of us drop out of school and take jobs in nursing homes. Some of us date girls who are dangerously younger, some get fat, drink beer and do drugs. We lust for hand models and enroll in vocational school. We drift apart, and nod goodbyes on graduation day. The devil catches each of us, in ways only we know for sure.

-Age 23: I experience my life’s great trauma. Her name is Xxxxxx Xxxxxx. Three months after I see her for the last time, she tells me she won’t call me again.

-Age 27: I go to bed one night, safely ensconced in Illinois. When I awaken, three days later, I live by sea.

-Age 28+: My adventures continue. Somewhen in the interval between six and now I learn that Jents will die after all.

The Devil in Shaun's Woods

Here's a thing that happened to me once:

"Every weekend until the winter came we went to Shaun's house on Saturday nights. We stayed all night and crept down to the woods after dark. The Man would be there in the trees, or sometimes he'd already be in the yard crawling behind us. He was always lower than us to the ground, quieter and better hid. Close to Halloween he wore a white skull mask instead of the red devil, and that was the night Milford had had enough and took his gun outside, a pistol. He told the rest of us to stay inside and we crowded around a small living room window, watching outside as Milford appeared in the dark, holding his gun out in front of him, walking slow and looking from side to side. Ten feet behind him crept the Man in the Woods, wearing his white skull mask, exaggerating his steps, knees up high, arms held out before him like Dracula. We yelled from the window for Milford to turn around. Milford didn't respond or react, but the Man in the Woods stopped his creep, turned his head to face us at the window, and held a finger to his lips, shhhh."

If you're in Chicago, track down a copy of No Touching #3 to read the rest - for the rest of the globe, visit their website and download the whole issue for free. The other stories are good too, but I can't promise they're this ACTION PACKED.